#!/bin/bash

if [ $1 = "-s" ]
then Header=0
else Header=1
fi

# Begin a new function.
pick1() {

# Use gawk to parse some text.
    gawk -v Seed="$RANDOM" \
		 'BEGIN           { srand(Seed); RS=""    }
          Header && NR==1 { print $0 "\n"     }
          NR>1            { Recs[rand()] = $0 }
          END             { for ( R in Recs ) {print Recs[R]; exit}}
        ' Header="$Header" $1
}

# Feed some text to pick1.
cat << SoMEI_mpOSSIblE_sYMBOl | pick1
tim.menzies {
  title:   dr (Ph.D.) and associate professor;
  align:   csee, west virginia university;
  cell:   esb 841A; 
  url:   http://menzies.us;
  fax:   1-866-726-2479;
  fyi:   unless marked "URGENT", i usually won't get 2 your email b4 5pm; 
}

# This section starts a _long_ list of quotations. Edit as appropriate.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

"When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required
course."  Peter Drucker

I saw two shooting stars last night but they were only satellites .
Its wrong to wish on space hardware. I wish, I wish, I wish you cared.
-- Billy Bragg

Then, in 1995, came the most amazing event in the
history of programming languages: the introduction
of Java.  -- Programming Languages: Principles and Practice

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them. --Bill Vaughan

Instant gratification takes too long.
-- Carrie Fisher

Complexity is easy. Simplicity is hard.
--Unknown

Motto for a research laboratory: What we work on today, others will
first think of tomorrow.  -- Alan Perlis

Every program is a part of some other program and rarely fits.
-- Alan Perlis

One man's constant is another man's variable.
-- Alan Perlis

"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming,
is not worth knowing" -- Alan Perlis

"Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could
only have originated in California."  -- Edsger Dijkstra

The bomb that fell on Hiroshima fell on America too. It fell on no
city, no munition plants, no docks. It erased no church, vaporized no
public buildings, reduced no man to his atomic elements. But it fell,
it fell. -- Hermann Hagedorn

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.
-- John F. Kennedy

War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.
-- Thomas Mann

The tragedy of war is that it uses man's best to do man's worst.
-- Henry Fosdick

Traditional nationalism cannot survive the fissioning of the atom. One
world or none. -- Stuart Chase

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless
they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. -- Voltaire

Only two great groups of animals, men and ants, indulge in highly
organized mass warfare. -- Charles H. Maskins

The draft is white people sending black people to fight yellow people
to protect the country they stole from red people. -- James Rado

Soldiers usually win the battles and generals get the credit for them.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

When war is declared, truth is the first casualty.
-- Arthur Ponsonby

War is a series of catastrophes which result in victory.
-- Albert Pike

I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the
people. -- Edmund Burke

Patriots always talk of dying for their country and never of killing
for their country. -- Bertrand Russell

Peace begets prosperity; Prosperity begets pride; Pride begets
prejudice; Prejudice begets war; War begets poverty. -- Proverb

The final war will be between Pavlov's dog and Schoedinger's Cat.
--  Robert Anton Wilson

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
-- Gary Wills

As long as war is looked upon as wicked, it will always have its
fascination. When it is looked on as vulgar, it will cease to be
popular. -- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
-- Anonymous

In a war of ideas, it is people who get killed.
-- Anonymous

Never advise anyone to go to war or to get married.
-- Abigail Van Buren


It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this
is war. -- Charles Francis Adams

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired,
signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

It ain't rocket science.

The guns and bombs, the rockets and the warships, all are symbols of
human failure. -- Lyndon Johnson

What is pride? A whizzing rocket that would emulate a star.
-- William Wordsworth

The earth is like a spaceship that didn't come with an operating manual.
-- Buckminster Fuller

It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's
safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government
contract.  -- Alan Shepherd

A good driver turns in a small space.
-- proverb

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which
ones to keep.   --Scott Adams

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window,
except that the birds might eat them.  --Dr. Martin Henry Fischer


Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them.   --Bill Vaughan

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second,
it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop
an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.
-- Leonard Bernstein (1918 - 1990)

It's not enough to create magic. You have to create a price for magic,
too. You have to create rules.  -- Eric A. Burns

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
-- Gail Godwin

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work
the more I have of it. -- Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

People always call it luck when you've acted more sensibly
than they have. -- Anne Tyler

Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival.
-- W. Edwards Deming

People are difficult to govern because they have
too much knowledge. --Lao-tzu (604 BC - 531 BC),

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not
thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Desire, ask, believe, receive.
-- Stella Terrill Mann

I always admired atheists. I think it takes a lot of faith.
-- Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider,

It well becomes a young man to be modest.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus (254 BC - 184 BC)

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
-- Fran Lebowitz

Life is a long lesson in humility.
-- James M. Barrie

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'
-- Isaac Asimov

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more
painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K. Dic

Realism...has no more to do with reality than anything else.
-- Hob Broun

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which
ones to keep.  --Scott Adams

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than
we can imagine. --  Sir Arthur Eddington

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without
changing a single idea. --Robert Anton Wilson

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then
quietly strangled.  -- Sir Barnett Cocks

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm
frightened of the old ones.  --John Cage

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
-- Lily Tomlin

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not it.  -- Bernard Bailey

Los Angelos- where cars are a religion, Buddha lives on 101 (north);
and Nirvana is some place between drive and park. --me

The software isn't finished until the last user is dead.
-- Anonymous

Software is written by humans and therefore has bugs.
-- John Jacobs

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
gives us modern art.  --Tom Stoppard

It's easy to solve the halting problem with a shotgun. :-)
-- Larry Wall in <199801151836.KAA14656@wall.org>

ANASTEEMAPHILIA: attraction to taller or shorter partners or the
preference for sexual partners of a different height to oneself.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way


"Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious."
-- Paul Valery

"I've got the brains. You've got the looks. Lets make lots of money."
--Pet Shop Boys.

1859 A.D. - Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". Like "Planet
of the Apes", it fails to gross as much money.

1930 A.D. - Pluto is discovered; the planet.
The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

"Without fools the rest of us could not succeed." ~  Mark Twain

"Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after
+each other." ~  Oscar Wilde

"So deep, deep without a meaning. I knew you'd find me leaving" -- The Church

"I must see new things and investigate them. I want to taste dark water
and see crackling trees and wild winds." -- Schiele

An ancient adage warns, "Never go to sea with two chronometers; take
one or three." :: Frederick Brooks

"Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa
to whom I'm fairly indifferent." ::Sideshow Bob

"Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter."
:: Homer Simpson

"They have the Internet on computers, now?"
:: Homer Simpson

"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!"
:: Homer Simpson

"They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at
the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
:: Carl Sagan

"Common sense ain't common."
:: Will Rogers

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
:: Philip K. Dick

"Children say that people are hung sometimes for speaking the truth."
:: Joan of Arc

"No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment
can prove me wrong."
:: Alnert Einstein

"I'm locked in a box -- with a window and a clock."
:: Milla Jovovich

"I got a feeling something went wrong and now I own a blind camel."
:: Lyle Rogers, Ishtar.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group  for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew

"Life is like a dog-sled team. If you aren't the lead dog, the scenery
never changes. ----Unknown

"I made a wrong mistake."

Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift
that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another
box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that
you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once
in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're
gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken
bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're
desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty
box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers.
::Cigarette Smoking Man

Scully: "Should we arrest David Copperfield?"
Mulder: "Yes, but not for this"

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers
the o're-fraught heart, and bids it break." --William Shakespeare

"I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."
::William Shakespeare

"No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space."
::James T. Kirk

"Medical scientists are nice people, but you should not
let them treat you." --August Bier

"To err is human, but it feels divine."
::Mae West

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful!"
::Mae West

"When choosing between two evils I like to try the one
I've never tried before."  --Mae West

Sex is an emotion in motion.
::Mae West

"We won't have a society if we destroy the environment."
::Margaret Mead

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."
::Lily Tomlin

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat." --Lily Tomlin

"Without love, benevolence becomes egotism."
::Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear."
::Margaret Smith

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
::Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland,
rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me." --John Cleese

"First secure an independent income, then practice virtue."
::Greek Proverb

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift
is nothing without work." --Emile Zola

"Abortion should be safe, legal, and unneccesary."
::William J. Clinton

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."
::Unknown

"I feel just like Santa Claus except thinner and younger
and female and well, Jewish." --Willow, from b.v.t.s.

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me." -- b.t.v.s

"Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood - don't go there alone."

"Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously."

"Be profound, funny or quiet."

"I don't need your help today.... Love, God."

"Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans."

"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said." --Unknown

"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations." --Henry Louis Mencken, on Shakespeare

"All I wanted was to control you, myself and everything else."

"For I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me."
::Winnie the Pooh

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
::Thomas A. Edison

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."
::Arthur C. Clark

"I you don't risk anything you risk even more."
::Erica Jong

"Seek simplicity, and distrust it."
::Alfred North Whitehead

"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them."
::Johann von Neumann

"I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I
finally won out over it." --Jimmy Stewart

"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist
does the better." --Andre Gide

"So you see, imagination needs moodling- long, inefficient, happy idling,
dawdling and puttering." --Brenda Ueland

"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief."
:: Gerry Spence,

"Where facts are few, experts are many."
::Donald R. Gannon

"My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows
enough about what's really going to be scared." --P. J. Plauger

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
::Albert Einstein

"If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would
be that of an expert saying it can't be done." --Peter Ustinov

"Money is an honest conversation".
:: Tim Menzies

"Daddy, the CD is stuck in the floppy drive again."

"Politics is for the moment.  An equation is for eternity."
:: Albert Einstein

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing
is a miracle. The other is as though everything is." -- Albert Einstein

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not
sure about the the universe." -- Albert Einstein

"A stone arch makes a fine bridge across a small stream, but it can't
scale up 100-fold to cross the Golden Gate." -- Jon Bentley

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."
:: John Kenneth Galbraith

"All programmers are optimists."
:: Fred Brooks

"The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women
are assigned." -- Fred Brooks

"One thing failing is a nightmare?  You must have very gentle dreams."

"All of these trivial amounts of code are adding up fast, though."

"I'll see your object, trade a process, and raise you a Thing."

"Programming would be a more respectable profession if evolution worked on us."

"Being in print does not make it true."
:: Chris Torek

"Work hard; increase production; prevent accidents, and be happy."
:: Voice, THX 1138

"Let us be thankful we have commerce. Buy more. Buy more now.
Buy more and be happy." --Voice THX 1138

"Time to repress another memory."
:: Bart Simpson

"Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds."
:: Homer Simpson

"I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved
there's no god." --Homer Simpson

The standard definition of AI is that which we don't understand.
::Bill Joy

Inside every large program, there is a small program trying to get out.
::Tony Hoare

The job of formal methods is to elucidate the assumptions upon which
formal correctness depends.  --Tony Hoare

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "I'm out of my mind, but feel
free to leave a message..."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "I don't work here. I'm a
consultant."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "I will always cherish the
initial misconceptions I had about you."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Any connection between your
reality and mine is purely coincidental."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "It's a thankless job, but I've
got a lot of Karma to burn off."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Yes, I am an agent of Satan,
but my duties are largely ceremonial."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "You sound reasonable... Time
to up the medication."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Who me? I just wander from room
to room"

Phrases you wish you could say at work:  "Do I look like a people
person?"

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "This isn't an office. It's Hell
with fluorescent lighting."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "I started out with nothing &
still have most of it left."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Does your train of thought have
a caboose?"

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Errors have been made. Others
will be blamed."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "A PBS mind in an MTV world."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Whatever kind of look you were
going for, you missed."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Well, this day was a total
waste of makeup."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Can I trade this job for what's
behind door 1?"

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Too many freaks, not enough
circuses."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Chaos, panic, & disorder -
my work here is done."

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "How do I set a laser printer
to stun?"

Phrases you wish you could say at work: "Sarcasm is just one more service
we offer."

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then can politicians
become devoted while software engineers become detested?

Clones are people two.

Jesus saves, passes to Moses; he shoots, he SCORES!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

"We have guided missiles and misguided men." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Trust the computer industry to shorten 'Year 2000' to 'Y2K.'  It was
this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place."
:: Wired Magazine

It was never clear what would come next but that's the risk and that's
the test. And you were the only one so far to follow. -- Shawn Colvin

"And dreams are what they'll have left when they are gone."
::Shawn Colvin

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Boldly Going Nowhere

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

"..just as many utensils are made from one metal, so too are myriad
entities made of the fabric of self."

"The hardest to learn was the lest complicated."

In 1997, much brainpower and capital will be expended developing blurry,
jerky video for the Internet, ignoring the full-motion, full-color video
device often referred to as a "TV." --belated predictions from suck.com

"Arms, my only ornament - my only rest, the fight."
:: Cervantes, Don Quixote

"To understand God's thoughts we must study statistics, for these are the
measure of his purpose" - Florence Nightingale

"Gingers Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards and in
high heels" - Ginger Rogers (who else?!)

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or
how tragic your defeats, 1,000,000,000 Chinese couldn't care less."

"The philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as
ornithology is to birds" - Steven Weinberg (Nobel Laureate)

"This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to to get
nailed to anything." -- HHGTTG

"Humans are too heavy and die to easily."
::Why NASA likes satellites.

Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade - v., To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted - adj., Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent - adj., Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightie.

Gargoyle-n., An olive-oil flavored mouthwash.

Bustard - n., A very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee - n., A person who is coughed upon.

Balderdash - n., A rapidly receding hairline.

Rectitude - n., The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

Oyster - n., A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . .

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

"Phase1: steal underwear. Phase2: ?. Phase3: profit."
-exemplar business plan, from South Park

...but who put an orange button in my mailbox with the legend, "my
inner child is a mean little %$@#"?  Hmmmm?

"These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the
shelves."  - Gilbert Highet

"There is so much about astrophysics I never learned. Oh, how I wish
I had read the book by that wheelchair guy." -Homer J. Simpson

"Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" - Homer J.
Simpson concerning Lisa's perpetual motion machine.

"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathon Swift

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it." -Alan Kay

"It's not an easy thing to meet your maker." -Roy Batty, (Blade Runner)

"Try again. Fail again. Fail better." -Samuel Beckett

"Beware of the man of one book." -Thomas Aquinas

Laugh till you stop.

"Theory informs data collection" is a polite way of saying that our
prejudices blind us.

A- 42
Q- What largest number divides n^7-n for all n? (Leon Sterling)

Seasons don't fear the reaper\ nor do the wind and the sun and the
rain. -- Blue Oyster Cult

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... -- Last words of General
John Sedgwick, Battle of Spotsylvania, 1864

Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The earth does not have
limbs and muscles; therefore it does not move. -- Scipio Chiaramonti

I have made this letter longer because I did not have time to make it
shorter -- Blaise Pascal (1656)

Models are made by humans  for other humans to enable  understanding.
Any model that improves understanding is a good model.

Fast, cheap, and out of control: a robot invasion of the solar system.
:: Rodney Brooks

The trouble isn't what people don't know; it's what they do know that
isn't so. -- Will Rogers

I have gone to seek a great perhaps.
:: suicide note

I found myself a child again\ asleep in baby lotion\ the air was filled
with Scaletrix\ and the cars were in slow motion. -- Godley & Creme

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

I found myself designing rooms\ that wouldn't let the light in\ with no
way in and no way out\ and space to fly my kite in. -- Godley & Creme

No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.
:: Jim Morrison

Everything should be as simple  as possible, but not simpler.
:: Albert Einstein

Do you ever get the feeling that the story's too damn real and in the
present tense? -- Jethro Tull

No fate but what you make.
:: John Conner

Room service? Send up a  larger room!
:: Groucho Marx

I must down to the seas again, The lonely sea and the sky, And all I
ask is tall ship, And a star to steer her by.

Bumper sticker on stealth bomber:  "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED
50 BILLION BUCKS."

Socialism and communism is for people who like their dictatorships
obvious.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light."
And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

A metaphor is like a simile.

We all live in a yellow subroutine.

A cliche' is only something well said in the first place.

Reporter: Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

We don't like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out.
:: Decca Records, when turning  down the Beatles, 1962.

Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.

The worst battle is the one never entered.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
:: Groucho Marx

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.

And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all- safaris
in Vietnam. -- Newsweek, late 1960s

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'

"How can one be expected to govern a country with 246 kinds of cheese?"
:: Charles de Gaulle

Si fractum non sit, noli id  reficere (i.e. if it ain't , broke don't
fix it).

if they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
::e. e. cummings

Thoreau: Our life is frittered  away by detail... simplify, simplify.
Clare: Why the second  simplify?

"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's
fantastic..." -- Woody Allen

"The bombing begins in five minutes."
:: R. Reagan

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

Nobody goes to bed hungry in America.
:: R. Reagan

Trees make more smog than cars.
:: R. Reagan

The United States has much to offer the third world war.
:: R Reagan

"The extreme always seems to make an impression."
:: J.D.  "Heathers"

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

"Our love is God.  Lets go grab a slushie"
::J.D.  "Heathers"

"I never forget a face, but I think I'll make an exception in your case
(:-))." -- Groucho Marx

"My teenage angst bullshit now has a body count."
:: "Heathers"

Veronica: "Why can't you just be my friend, Heather? Why do you have to
be such a mega- bitch?" Heather Duke: "Because I can be."

Veronica: "I just killed my  best friend.".
JD: "And your worst enemy." Veronica: "Same difference."

Human was the music\ Natural was the static ...
:: John Updike

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

If the journey is not what you expect, do not be  surprised.

All models are wrong, but some are useful.
:: George Box

The classification of the constituents of a chaos, nothing less here is
essayed. -- Herman Melville,  in 'Moby-Dick'

"Music is the space between the notes"
::Debussy

"Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you
anything."

Clarke's first law:  To find the limits of the possible one must go a
little way beyond into the impossible.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Clarke's third law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic.

"Brother, Life's a bitch.  And she's back in heat."
:: "They Live"

Life's a beach,  then you dive.

Life's a bitch, then you diet.

Life's a bitch, then you die.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
:: Winston Churchill

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't
know why I'll do it again. -- Bart Simpson

Language is a virus from outer space.
:: William S. Burroughs

Artiformological- intactitudinarianisminist (one who studies 4-5 letter
Latin prefixes and suffixes)

Eloquence is logic on fire.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.
:: Murphy's Law of Combat

A model is a lie that lets you know the truth.

"Join the struggle while you may\ revolution is just a t-shirt away"
:: Billy Bragg

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

"Every dream has a name\ and names tell your story."
:: David Byrne

"The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert,
ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all possibilities."
:: Baker Roshi

"Introducing Zappo! Its new! Its fab! It does something so utterly
fantastic that we can't even tell you about it!!"

"Cast your dancing spell my way\ I promise to go under it."
:: Bob Dylan

"Ya'll never know till youse gives it a go."
:: A. Yobbo

I only know two tunes. One is Yankee Doodle and the other isn't.
:: General President Ulysses S. Grant

HOLMES: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever is left must be
the truth." ME: "Errr, lets just go back a little to that first part..."

If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man (sic) who has so
much as to out of danger? -- T.H. Huxley

How to make a whale blubber pie: first, catch a whale. Next...
:: Mythical Eskimo cookbook

"It's amazing how much 'mature wisdom' resembles being too tired."
:: Lazarus Long

"Every cloud has a silver lining, every tree a wood-cutter, and every
fence a fence-sitter."

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
::G.K. Chesterton

"Don't talk to me about Women's Liberation. They've already got me right
just where it hurts!!" -- Joe Jackson

REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

"Often, I am surprised.  And why not?  What a dull place the world would
be if it was merely as good as our wildest dreams."

The only good answers  are the ones that destroy the question.
:: Susan Sontag

"To have knowledge, first you must doubt."

#include trite.remark
#include standard.disclaimer
for(i=i; i<=10; i++) printf("%s","ha ");

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Sane, Plain, And tedious to know.
:: The epitaph of the computer
scientist

"Just because there's a reason\ Doesn't mean its understood."
:: Stiff Little Fingers, circa (?) 1977

I'm terribly sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
:: me

I can accept the theory of relativity as little as I can accept the
existence of atoms and other such dogma -- Ernst Mach

A Master is someone who started before you did.
:: Gary Zukav

NOTWORK: n. A network when it is acting flaky. Origin (?) IBM.
:: Hackers Dictionary

"We are all fallible, and prone to error; let us then pardon each other's
folly. This is the first principle of natural right." --Voltaire

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant on October
23rd,  4004 B.C. -- Dr. John Lightfoot

"Butterflies live for exactly the right amount of time."
:: Amanda

What is observed is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method
of questioning. -- Werner Heisenberg

If you cannot- in the long run- tell everyone what you have been doing,
your doing has been worthless. -- Erwin Schroedinger

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
:: Verlaine

Not to know certain things is a great part of wisdom.
:: Hugo Gratius

For all is but a woven web of guesses.
:: Xenophanes

"I don't know what the answer is, but I admire the problem."
:: Ashley
Brilliant

"Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty."
:: Oz car sticker

"I gave her all she every wanted. It wasn't what she wanted."
:: U2

"The aim of AI is to make computers act like the ones in the movies."
:: Graham Mann

"The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody knows why or how,
but we are all like that."

"One cloud feels lonely."
:: Richard Adams

"The world is moved by  jerks."
:: timm.

"Scientific progress  goes 'BOINK' ? "
:: Hobbes

"You laughed cause you knew that you were un- touchable\ not because
what I said was wrong." -- Sinead O'Conner

"I raise my quill; I am responsible."
:: Voltaire

"Small, dark, noisy room for rent. Get a haircut, a job, and a life then
apply." -- sign outside a flat,  Venice Beach, LA, USA

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of
bubblegum." -- Roddy Piper

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
:: Wizard of OZ

"Immediately after the ceremony, the bride and bridegroom go into the
vestry and sigh." -- Women's Magazine

"Marriage is a sort of special friendship recognised by the police."
:: R.L. Stevenson

"I could live in a nutshell and count myself king of infinite space,
if I did not have such strange dreams." -- Hamlet

"Veni, vidi, vici, nanah, nanah, nah nah!"
:: Paul Compton

Veni, Vidi, Visa.

"Captain, I must protest! I am NOT a merry man!!"
:: Worf (Star Trek, TNG, "Qpid")

"Fortunately, I say, fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered for just
such an emergency." -- Foghorn Leghorn

"We have many sayings, but no doings."

^^^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^^^ ^^B^ ^^^^ ^^^^^^ ^^^^
:: A Bee in a carrot patch.

Think fiercely, Write boldly, Spell correctly.
::Plea above the contribution book of a student newspaper.

What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Hey, you sass that hoopy For Prefect? There's a frood who really knows
where his towel is. -- Douglas Adams

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
:: H.L. Mencken

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Every once and a while, a film comes along. This is  such a film.
:: Mad Magazine.

There's never enough  time to do all the  nothing you want.
:: Calvin

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible. -- Albert Einstein

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe. -- John Muir

A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
:: Barbarella

For never anything can be  amiss, when simpleness and duty tender it.
:: Midsummer's Night Dream

I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
:: Miles Davis

Some people like me advice so much they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it. -- Gordon R. Dickson

One who makes no mistakes, never makes anything.
::English proverb

An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be
made in a very narrow field.  --Niels Bohr

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
::Chinese Proverb

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
::Grace Murray Hopper

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.
::Linus Pauling

We made too many wrong mistakes.
:: Yogi Berra

A  halo has to fall  only a few inches to become a noose.
:: Farmer's Almanac

Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society.
:: David Hull

Mummy always told me not to look into the light of the sun\ but mamma,
that's were the fun is. -- Manfred Mann

"They only put in a  nickel and they want a dollar song. And all I ever
wanted was the nickel." -- Melanie

"Well I don't mind that they're lucky\ but it seems like they always win\
and gambling is illegal in the state of mind I'm in." -- Melanie

Every act of organisation must be preceded by a period of dithering.

You can never success- fully determine before  hand which side of the
bread to butter.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
being made.

The solution to the problem changes the problem.
:: Peer's Law

The ultimate law: all general statements are false.

What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on facts, not
the facts themselves. -- Cohen's Law

You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin
Franklin said it first. -- Lomin's Law

The real world is a special case.
:: Horngern's Observation

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Certum quod factum (i.e. one is certain of only what one builds).
:: Giovannu Battiista Vico 1668-1744

Thems what can, do. Thems what can't, teach. Thems what can't teach,
teach the teachers.

I hear it and I forget it. I see it and I remember it. I do it and I
learn it. -- old Chinese proverb

T'is time to fear when tyrants seem to kiss
:: Pericles

Consider the peaceful repose of the sausage compared with the
aggressiveness and violence of bacon.

She thought of things that lovely young women usually think about when
they are relaxing in treetops and unhampered by underwear.

"I assumed you were versed, or at least interested, in... that knowledge
that lies outside the empirical play pen." -- Amanda

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing
:: Helen Keller

Q: What is the worst thing about Irish jokes? The timing.
A:

Five boxes preserve our freedoms:  soap, ballot, jury, witness, and
cartridge.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if
not utterly impossible -- Simon Newcomb, 18 months before Kitty Hawk

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2  2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

E Pluribus Modem

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error?  Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers, unable
to  breathe, would die of asphyxia. -- Dr. Dionsys Lardner (1793-1865)

Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
:: Bill Gates, 1981

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up somewhere else.

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Hit any user to continue.

It is not enough merely to have a good mind; you  must also use it.
:: Rene Descartes

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

For truth can never be confirm'd enough, though doubts did ever sleep.
:: Pericles

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

Fortune favors the prepared mind.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in.

Who makes the fairest snow, means most deceit.
:: Pericles

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document.  If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand."

"Surfer's Paradise: what Australians have instead  of an after-life."

"Good Americans go to Paris when they die." Q: "And where do bad
Americans go?"  A: "America." -- Oscar Wilde

But plans are one thing and fate another. When they coincide,  success
results. -- Tom Robbins

There have been cans of dog food more splendiferous than South
Richmond. Land mines more tender.

My days in Redfern where spent in drug-induced hazes, my nights in
mathematical ecstacies.

The ugly may be beautiful,  the pretty never.
:: Paul Gauguin.

Something in the springtime had telephoned her limbic system and reversed
the charges.

Every blaze is an occasion of chemical joy... to burn down a police
station is to hold homecoming for billions of happy molecules.

I've proven that people aren't trees, so it is false when they speak of
roots. -- Sissy Hankshaw.

This sentence is made of lead (and a sentence of lead gives a reader an
entirely different sensation from one made of magnesium).

A generation which ignores history has no past- and no future.

Small change can often be found under seat cushions.

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most
gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

Wherever you end up, that is where you are.
:: Mike Brady

Don't be ridiculous 99, we  have to shoot, maim. and kill. We represent
everything that's wholesome and good in the world. -- Max Smart

Music, comedy and  architecture- all just timing carved out in space.
:: Gerry Connolly

Yeah, now I've meet me another spinner of strange and gauzey threads.
:: Suzanne Vega

"And please do not ever look for me\ but with me you will stay\ and you
will hear yourself in song blowing by one day." -- Suzanne Vega

"Oh hold me like a baby that will not fall asleep\ Curl me upside inside
you and let me hear you through the heat." -- Suzanne Vega

A clean desk is the sign of a blank mind.

A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time;
a liberal feels it should happen, but not now. -- Mort Sahl

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction
to a battle of wits and add drama to an otherwise dull day!! -- Calvin

A pessimist is an optimist in full possession of the facts.

This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is
the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whi

All information wants to be free.
:: an old Hacker's adage

Altruism is a fine motive, but if you want results, greed works
much better -- Henry Spencer @ U of Toronto Zoology,

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.

... and I say to them, 'Where the hell were you when the page was blank?'
:: Harlan Ellison

And if you take cranberries and stew them like prunes, it tastes much
more like applesauce than rhubarb does. -- Groucho Marx

"And tell me, how did you come to have so many children?" "Well, Groucho,
I love my wife." "I love my cigar too, but I take it out sometimes."

Any company large enough to have a research lab is large enough not to
listen to it. -- Alan Kay

Being intelligent doesn't mean you aren't stupid.
:: Robert Fulghum

By God, Mr. Chairman, at this moment I stand astonished at my own
moderation! -- Baron Robert Clive

Bye and bye, God caught his eye,
:: Epitaph for a waiter.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the
truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply
the wire brush of enlightenment. -- Geoff Miller,

Damn the consequences.
:: Lord Milner

"Data! Data! Data! I can't make bricks without clay."
:: Sherlock Holmes

"Someone who knows how will always have a job.
They will work for someone who knows why."

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is
constantly making exciting discoveries.  --A. A. Milne

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of
fools. Let's start with typewriters.  --Solomon Short

Democracy is the theory that the people know what they want, and deserve
to get it good and hard. -- H.L.  Mencken

Disease and deprivation stalk the land like two giant.... stalking things.
:: Rowan Atkinson, _Black Adder the Third_

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.  -- Mark Twain

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.  Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
:: Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Every particle continues in its state of rest or uniform motion in a
straight line except insofar as it doesn't.  -- Sir Arthur Eddington

Every technical corrigendum is met by an equally troublesome new defect
report.  -- Norman Diamond

Excuse me, do you know what time it is?  Its about about noon. I'd prefer
something more exact. Alright, its about noon, dtupid.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Experience is what you have got after you needed it.

Fear not the evil men do in the name of evil, but heaven protect us from
the evil men do in the name of good.

Getting information off the Internet is like drinking from a fire hydrant.
:: Mitchell Kapor (Lotus)

God is real, unless declared integer.
:: Johan Montald,

Hit the button Chewie!
:: Han Solo

Ho, HaHa, Dodge, Parry, Spin, HA! THRUST!
:: Donald Duck

"How do you know I'm Mad?" asked Alice.  "You must be," said the Cat,
"or you wouldn't have come here."

I am a Bear of Very Little Brain and long words Bother Me.
:: Winnie-the-Pooh

I drank what?!?
:: Socrates

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold,
all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

I must construct my own System, or be enslaved to another Man's.
:: William Blake

I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.
:: Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Terminator 2

"I'll be back."
:: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator 1

"I know I've made some bad decisions lately, but I'm feeling much better
now." -- Hal, 2001, after killing most of the crew

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
:: Stephen Wright

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I thought back to other headaches from my past and sneered at their
ineffectiveness. -- Harry Harrison

If all those pretty coeds were laid end to end, I would not be surprised.
:: Dorothy Parker

If everybody's on the record denying it, you've got no problem.
:: Bill Clinton

Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to
live in the real world. -- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden

It's as if all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
:: Saturday
Night Live

Life IS pain, highness... anyone who tries to tell you different is
trying to sell you something.  -- Wesley, The_Princess_Bride

Life is uncertain.  Eat dessert first.
:: Jim Blandy

Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.
:: Nietzsche

Nonsense. Space is blue, and birds fly through it.
:: Heisenberg

Real Daleks don't climb stairs.... Real Daleks level the building.
:: Adrian Tritschler, ajft@ajft_sun.cs.adfa.oz.au

Rebel without a clue, Born to be mild.
:: Kevin.Lowey@Usask.CA,
DoD #0975

Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
:: Red Dwarf

Software engineering? That's like military intelligence, isn't it?
:: Doug Mohney <sysmgr@king.eng.umd.edu>

Sometimes, you're the windshield....  sometimes, you're the bug!
:: Mark Knopfler

Tachyon: A gluon that's not completely dry.

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your
living room by people you wouldn't have in your home. -- David Frost

Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
:: Dijkstra

TeX: When you pronounce it correctly to your computer, the terminal may
become slightly moist.  - D. E.  Knuth.

The British Interplanetary Society? How many planets are members then?
:: G. Robb

The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time,
and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

The Force. It surrounds us; It enfolds us; It gets us dates on Saturday
Nights.  - Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi  Knight and Party Animal.

The impossible we understand right away - the obvious takes a little
longer.

The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be
insulting. -- Amanda Cross

The revolution will not be televised.  - Mike Mitten,   gnome@pd.org,
DoD#522

The street finds its own uses for things.  - William Gibson

The word is not the thing. The map is not the territory.  The symbol is
not the thing symbolized.   - S.I.  Hayakawa

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
:: Benjamin Disraeli

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
:: Arthur C. Clarke

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like
an idiot. -- Steven Wright

They shouldn't get any new nuclear weapons until they've used the ones
they've got. - Murff

This one goes to eleven.
:: Nigel Tufnel, lead guitar, Spinal Tap

Tiggers don't like honey.
:: A.A.Milne, The   House at Pooh Corner

What a waste it is to lose one's mind - or not to have a mind. How true
that is. -- VP Dan Quayle

What's fair got to do with it? It's going to happen.
::Lawrence of Arabia

What would this country be without this great land of ours?
:: Ronald Reagan

Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same
direction. -- Samuel Johnson

Wait here, Audrey. This is between me and the vegetable.
:: Rick Moranis,
'Little Shop of Horrors'

"We can lick gravity, but  sometimes the paperwork is  overwhelming"
:: Wernher von Braun   on bureaucracy

Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
:: John Lennon
(1940-1980)

"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how and that
is the important thing."

"Wind is like the air, only pushier."

"No" President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy when asked by   a
reporter if she had any message for the children of America.

668: the neighbor of the beast.

"Measurements are not to provide numbers but insight."
:: Ingrid Bucher

"A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two watches
is never sure." --Segal's Law (via Rich Friedrich)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors TALK?"
::  Harry M. Warner, Warner Bros., 1927

"Everything that can be invented has already been invented."
::  C. Duell, Director US Patent office, 1899

"I think there is a world market for about five computers."
:: Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board of IBM, 1943.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
:: Popular Mechanics, forecasting the  march of science, 1949.

"But what... is it good for?" --  Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote."
::  Grover Cleveland, 1905

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
:: Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize (Physics) 1923

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
::  Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, 1895

"He's an honest politician. He stays bought."
::  Robert Heinlein, "Stranger in a Strange Land"

"Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese."
:: G.K.Chesterton

"When the map and the terrain differ -- trust the terrain."
:: Swiss Army instructions

"Freedom's dirty little secret is that you're on your own."
:: Clarence Thomas

"Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created
them." --  A. Einstein

You see things and you say "Why?"; but I dream things that never were
and I say "Why not?" --  George Bernard Shaw

"Bubbles and arrows don't crash."
::  Bertrand Meyer

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
::  Adolf Hitler

"Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks."
:: Dennis Ritchie on X

"It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established
authorities are wrong." --  Voltaire

Simple things should be simple.  Complex things should be possible.
:: Alan Kay

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they
should live next door and just visit now and then. --  Katharine Hepburn

Everyone feels instinctively that all the beautiful sentiments in the
world weigh less than a single lovely action. --  James Russell Lowell

I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity,
an obligation; every possession, a duty. --  John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

In the long-run, every Government is the exact symbol of its People,
with their wisdom and unwisdom. --  Thomas Carlyle

"Measure it with micrometer, mark it with chalk, and cut it with
an axe." --  Ray

"There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace."
::  Dave Barry

"The concept is simply staggering.  Pointless, but staggering."
:: The Doctor (Dr. Who)

"Reality is a sandwich that I did not order."
::  Zippy the Pinhead

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
:: Oscar Wilde

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
:: Werner von Braun

"I think the highest and lowest points are the important ones. All the
points in between are, well, in between." --  Jim Morrison

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in the
body. Then I  realized who was telling me  this." --  Emo Phillips

"If you want to do something, just do it.  It is easier to apologize
later than ask for permission up front." --  Admiral Grace Hopper

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he
will  pick himself up and continue." --  Winston Churchill

"Sir, you are drunk!" "Madam, you are ugly.  The difference being, that
tomorrow I shall be sober." -- Lady Nancy Astor and  Winston Churchill

"Where were you when the page was empty?"
::  Truman Capote

"If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia." --  Thomas Szasz

"Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."
:: Lily Tomlin

"I used to be able to sing the blues, but now I have too much money."
:: Bruce Dickinson

"Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of
magic." --  Clarke

"Men never do evil so cheerfully and so completely as when they do so
from religious conviction." -- Blaise Pascal

"Good bye, good luck, and thanks for all the fish."
:: The Dolphins Last Words (HHGTTG)

"Life? Don't talk to me about life ..."
::  Marvin (HHGTTG)

"If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes."
::  Blade Runner

"Just remember -- wherever you go, there you are."
::  Buckaroo Bonsai

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open."
:: Sir James Dewar

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
::  Eleanor Roosevelt

"God does not play dice with the universe."
:: Albert Einstein

"I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth."
:: Neil Armstrong

"Babies don't really need vacations, yet I always see them at the
beach." --  Stephen Wright

"All Indians walk in single-file.  At least the one I saw did"
:: [An un-trained observer]

"Be careful about what you teach your children.  They might believe
you." --  Bob Niland

"It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As
pretty as an Airport" appear. --  Douglas Adams

"Flying is easy: just fall down and miss the ground."
::  Douglas Adams

"Don't try to out-weird _me_! I get stranger things than you free with
my breakfast cereal!" -- Zaphod Beeblebrox,

"Paradise Is exactly like Where you are right now Only much... much...
better!" --  Laurie Anderson, Home of the Brave

There is never enough time to do it properly, but always enough time to
do it again.

...no one believes an hypothesis  except its originator but  everyone
believes an experiment except the experimenter. -- W.I.B. Beveridge

"Then would you read a Sustaining Book, such as would help and comfort
a Wedged Bear in Great Tightness?" -- A.A. Milne

"Help, help, a Herrible Heffalump! Hoff, Hoff, a Hellible Horralump! Holl,
Holl, a Hoffable Hellerump!" -- Piglet, in great distress.

First you get the sugar, then you get the flour, then you get the  wine,
then you get the women. -- Homer Simpson

But pity the warrior who slays all his foes.
:: The Fall of Kang (translated from the original Klingon)

"Ha-ha," said Eeyore bitterly. "Merriment and what-not. Don't
apologize. It's just what _would_ happen."

"Ah!" said Rabbit, who never let things come to him, but always went
and fetched them.

I am only an egg
:: Stranger in a Strange Land

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" "Suppose
it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

"Owl," said Pooh, "I have thought of something." "Astute and Helpful
Bear," said Owl.

Confucius say.. but who will listen?

Hats are wasted on people with no heads.

"My son. it is not for you, a son of Adam, to know what faults a star
can commit." --C.S.Lewis

"If I could, you know that I'd give you my world\ How can I, when you
won't take it from me?\ You can go your own way." --Fleetwood Mac

"What shall I call my dear little dormouse? His eyes are small but his
tail is e-nor-mouse" --A.A. Milne

And I'd say to myself as I looked so lazily down at the sea: "There's
nobody in the world, and the world was made for me". --A.A. Milne

"But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever. So I think I'll be six now
for ever and ever." --A.A. Milne

"My God- look at that son-of-a-bitch go!"
:: Captain Robert Lewis, co-pilot of the Enola Gay

"Well now, I've always believed that done properly, armed robbery doesn't
have to be a totally unpleasant experience". --Thelma & Louise

Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the
world. - Tadahiro Sekimoto, president,  NEC Corp.

May your future be limited only by your dreams.
:: Christa McAuliffe

No one can forbid us the future.
:: Inscription on the base of   Paris's monument to Leon  Gambetta

The past, the future,--two eternities!
:: Thomas Moore. 1779-1852.

He who has never envied the  vegetable has missed the human drama.
:: E.M. Cioran

A man who has the knowledge but lacks the power to express it is no
better off than if he never had the  ideas at all. -- Thucydides

"This idea isn't even  false." -- Neils Bohr delivering the greatest
put-down of the twentieth  century.

"I was born not knowing  and have only have a little  time to change
that here and there." -- Richard Feynman

"You can't say A is made of B or vice versa. All  mass is interaction."
:: Richard Feynman

"Our friend Dirac, too, has a religion, and its guiding principle is
'There is no God and Dirac is His prophet.'" -- Wolfgang Pauli

"I always keep two legs going, with one trying to reach the other."
:: John Archibald Wheeler

"In any field find the strangest thing and then  explore it."
:: John Archibald Wheeler

"It's wrong to thing that  the task of physics is to find out how nature
is.  Physics concerns only what we  can _say_ about nature." -- Neils Bohr

"God forbid that we should give out a dream of our own imagination for
a pattern of the world." -- Francis Bacon

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
:: Pablo Picasso

"Me thinks she protests too much."
:: Hamlet

"Love's got teeth and she bites so hard\leaving you for dead like a
deadly shark\ and it doesn't leave a lot to desire." -- Split Enz

"Entia non sunt multiplicanda  praeter de necessitatum." -- William of
Occam (c 1350)

"Ships in harbour are safe ..... but that's not what  ships are built
for."

Isn't there a hyphen  in "anal retentive"?

Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken
was involved. The pig was committed.

Round up the usual suspects!

"Now Rodney, yaw take that diaper off yaw head and put it back on yaw
sister."

"He who finishes physics, finishes philosophy and religion at the
same time." --  C.C.

"The time is out of join :- O cursed spite, that ever I was born to set
it right!" -- Hamlet

QUEEN: "More matter, with less art."
POLONIUS: "Madam, I swear I use no art at all."

POLONIUS: "I will most humbly take my leave of you."  HAMLET: "You cannot,
sir, take from me anything that I will more willingly part withal."

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
:: Hamlet

"To die, - to sleep:- to sleep! Perchance to dream:- ay, there's the rub;
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." -- Hamlet

"I eat the air, promised-cramed. You cannot feed capons so."
:: Hamlet

"I pr'ythee, take thy fingers from my throat; for though I am not
splenitive and rash, yet have I something in me dangerous.." -- Hamlet

"Well my baby's so vain\ she is almost a mirror\ and the sound of her
name sends a permanent shiver\ down my spine."

If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned, dancing through the
night with you!!

"I think I'm gonna be sad\ I think it's today\ The girl that's driving
me mad\ Is going away\ She's got a ticket to ride."

"Get me a ticket for airplane\ Ain't got time for no fast train\ Oh,
my lonely days are gone\ I'm coming home\ My baby just wrote me a letter."

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

The universe does not have laws; it has habits -- and habits can be
broken.

Q1: Why do ducks have flat feet? A1: To stamp out forest fires.
Q2: Why do elephants have flat feet? A2: To stamp out burning ducks.

"Here lies one whose name was writ in water." -- Keat's epithat for
himself.

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists? -- Kelvin Throop III

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
:: Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977

Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
:: R. Drabek.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
:: Malcolm Smith

"And today's fortune teller's conference has been cancelled due to
unforeseen circumstances."

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

"The big print giveth and the small print taketh away"
:: Tom Waits

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room"
:: No Fear slogan

"Everyone who lives must die, but not everyone who dies can say they've
really lived" -- No Fear slogan

"The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out."
:: Oscar Wilde

"Patience. The companion of wisdom."
:: St. Augustine

"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
specific." -- Jane Wagner

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned
things is ample. -- Rebecca West

"Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator and step up the reactor
power input three more points!!" -- Frank-n-Furter, RHPS

"Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still, but he told us
where we stand." --Rocky Horror Picture Show

"May silence prevail. May the strength of the wind and the storm be
mine." -- Javanese saying

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
:: J.  Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child." -- Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
:: Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind.  Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is." --Dan Quayle

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change." -- Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
:: Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
:: Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in
the Future." -- Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow."
:: Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
:: Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history." -- Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
:: Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Dan Quayle

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
::Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
:: Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
:: Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it." -- Dan Quayle, 5/20/92  (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am.  At least she knows she still
has a job next year." -- Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
:: Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
:: Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
:: Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any mis-quotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make." --  Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." -- Dan Quayle

"It is madness to attempt that which has never been done, except using
means never as yet tried." -- Francis Bacon

"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
:: Alex Schure

Order and simplification are the first steps toward the mastery of
a subject". --Thomas Mann.

O Body swayed to music. O brightening glance, how can we know the dancer
from the dance? --W.B. Yeats.

If a camel flies, no one will laugh if it does not get very far.
:: Paul White

User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

"Deliver yesterday, code today,  think tomorrow."

"In these words, I often think you'll recognize me."
:: Midnight Oil

"Sing me songs of no denying."
:: Midnight Oil

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him love
and he invented marriage.

Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:  All the
postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.

Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
dining room.

The opposite of "analysis paralysis" is a "WISKY" culture:  "Why Isn't
Someone Coding Yet?". Both diseases can be fatal.

"What is God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger
on the bus, trying to make his way home?" --Joan Osborne

One seldom sees a monument to a committee.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

"The idea is to die young  as late as possible."
:: Ashley Montagu

"I'm not in the business...  I am the business."
:: Rachel, Blade Runner

The steady state of disks is full.
:: Ken Thompson

Q:   What do you get when you cross a post-modernist with a mafioso?
A:   Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
:: Candice Bergen

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you. -- Will Rodgers

Oliver's Law:  Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.

'I die by the help of too many physicians'
:: Alexander the Great.

'Hungry bellies have no ears'
:: Ronald MacDonald

'Huc propius me, Dum doceo insanire omnes, vos orrdine adite' Come near
me all in order, and I will convince you that you are mad, every one. Hor.

'Human beliefs, like all other natural growths, elude the barriers of
system' --George Eliot (not a s/w engineer)

'Intellect is not speaking and logicising; it is seeing and ascertaining'
::Carlyle

'Inter malleum et incudem' Between the hammer and the anvil (rock and
a hard place)

'Learned without sense and venerably dull'
:: Churchill

'Learning passes for wisdom amongth them who want both' Temple

'We are in a series of which we do not know the extremes, and believe
that it has none' -- Emerson

'Altissima quaeque flumina minnimo sono labuntur' The deepest rivers
flow with the least noise.

'All things are symbolical, and what we call results are beginnings'
:: Plato

'All balloons give up their gas in the pressure of things, and collapse
in a sufficiently wretched manner erelong' -- Carlyle

'All disputation makes the mind deaf, and when people are deaf I am dumb'
:: Joubert.

'Activity is the presence, and character the record, of function'.

'How many people make themselves abstract to appear profound! The greatest
part of abstract terms are shadows that hide a vacuum' -- Joubet

'Human reason is like a drunken man on horseback; set it up on one side,
and it tumbles over on the other' -- Luther

'Humanum est errae' (to err is human)

'If we cannot help committing errors, we must build none'
:: Goethe

It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.
:: Repo Man.

"Who will continue to say "ni" to you if you do not appease us."
:: MP&THG

Ted, we're dead, dude.
:: Bill S. Preston, Esquire

I'm shootin' pool, Fats.  When I miss you can shoot.
:: Fast Eddie
Felson

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun

"She could clean the house for hours or rearrange the flowers or run naked
through the shady street screaming all the way." --Ballad Of Lucy Jordan

"No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
::Dr.  Who

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
:: The Doctor

"Millihelen, n.: Amount of beauty necessary to launch a single ship."

There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
works.

'I can go on.  I can't go on. I must go on'
:: Samuel Beckett

President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting. -- The Washington Post

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
:: Booker T. Washington

Someone's at the door.
::American Gothic

"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite." -- Bertrand Russell "Skeptical  Essays"
1928

Flon's Law:  There is not now, and never will be, a language in which
it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations." -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.

"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.

Boy,n.: A noise with dirt on it.

"I'm not real bright, but I can lift heavy things."
:: Lou Reed

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
catch his own breath. -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.
:: G. K. Chesterton

The early bird catches the worm. But look what happened to the early
worm...

California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
:: Fred Allen

Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something,
it can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...

Lockwood's Long Shot:  The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main
Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
:: Indian proverb

Unfair animal names: tsetse fly; bullhead; booby; duck-billed platypus;
sapsucker; Clarence -- Gary Larson

Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
:: Henry N. Camp

If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in
making an inferior one.

Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.

David was Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. Solomon, one of David's
sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. -- Student essay from America

"Years from now when I'm successful and happy...  and he's in prison... I
hope I'm not too mature to gloat." -- Calvin

"I don't need to compromise my princples, because they don't have the
slighest bearing on what happens to me anyway." -- Calvin

"Why waste time learning when ingorance is instantaneous?"
::Hobbes

"I don't know what's weirder- that you're fighting a stuffed animal or
that you seem to be losing." --Susie, to Calvin

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
the future.

"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."

The curtain drops by deep request.

"... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed."

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.

"Why not?"
:: Last words of Timothy Leary

Can't talk. Eating.
:: Homer Simpson

"Hello," he lied.
:: Don Carpenter quoting a  Hollywood agent

"Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do!"

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aeroplane and
a third right takes you onto the freeway."

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
:: Grade school science exam

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting. -- Grade school science exam

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
:: Grade school science exam

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun,
it is really only centrificating. -- Grade school science exam

Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime. -- Grade school science exam

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil. -- Grade school science exam

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water,
so sometimes it's brother against brother. -- Grade school science exam

To most people solutions mean finding the answers.  But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up. -- Grade school
science exam

Clouds are high flying fogs.
:: Grade school science exam

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do. -- Grade school science exam

Water vapor gets together in a cloud.  When it is big enough to be called
a drop, it does. -- Grade school science exam

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
:: Grade school science exam

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
:: Grade school science exam

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
:: Grade school science exam

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in
other places. -- Grade school science exam

Clarke's Observation: Any program that is finally working correctly
is obsolete.

Iversen's Law: There's never time to do it properly, but always time to
completely re-do it.

Osborne's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.

Rhode's Rule of Life: Inside every unworkable, unusable, unattractive
program is a really useful routine struggling to be seen.

"For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky!!"
:: Stardate 5476.4.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do. --Olin Miller.

"The chief enemy of creativity is 'good' taste".
::Picasso

"For they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears
and perfect in every respect." --The Cyperiad

Vill God I Zall (Will God I shall); Motto of clan Menzies.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
:: Actual Newspaper Headline

"Its never too late to have a happy childhood."

"What part of "NO" didn't you understand?"

"'NOT A MORNING PERSON' doesn't even begin to cover it."

"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving."

"Thank you for turning a simple transaction into a bizarre ritual."

"The two most common things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."
-- Harlan Ellison

"New clinical studies show that there are no answers."

"Attitute without a cause."

"We are the most powerful planet on Earth"
:: Quayle.

"You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool."

"I'm too young to be this old."

"The last time I had this much fun they said I wasn't going to pull
through."

"Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes."

"Erotic is using the feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken."

"What exactly is that haricut trying to say?"

"We make up our own answers."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I see you never exercise your right to remain silent."

"Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that."

"Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?"

"Five out of four people are schizophrenic."

"It's easier for kids to grow up if their parents do first."

"Imagination is intelligence having fun."

"Somethimes you're the bird. Sometimes your the windshield."

"Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods."

"One day we'll laugh at my hair\ And the clothes that we wore\ Like
we've all laughed before." -- Melanie

"Well you drink some of yours, boy and I'll drink some of mine\ Because
I can't find a taker for this leftover wine."
:: Melanie

"I feel like a military academy: bits of me keep passing out."
:: HHGTTG

Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: "If you think big enough, you'll
never have to do it."

There is nothing more ugly than an orthodoxy without understanding or
without compassion. --Francis A. Schaeffer

Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because
that would also stop them from doing clever things. --Doug Gwyn

Work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a
chance to succeed. --Vaclav Havel

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.
::Samuel Johnson

As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role
models. And vice versa.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
::P. Erdos

Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief; All kill their
inspiration and sing about the grief. --U2

If I hear the phrase "everything is an object" once more, I think I
will scream. --Michael Stonebraker

... with proper design, the features come cheaply. This approach is
arduous, but continues to succeed. --Dennis Ritchie

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius,
power, and magic in it. --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Good work is always done in defiance of management.
::R. Woodward

I never understood people who don't have bookshelves.
::George Plimpton

The novelist says in words what cannot be said in words. --Ursula K. Le
Guin, in her 1976 introduction to The Left Hand of Darkness

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
::Sydney J. Harris

The effect of his affected accent affected her, and effected a change
in her affections. --Steve Chapin

A witty saying proves nothing.
::Voltaire

Hydrogen is a colorless, odorless gas which, given enough time, turns
into people. --Henry Hiebert

He seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles.
::Naturalist J.B.S. Haldane, on God

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the
intelligent are full of doubt.
::Bertrand Russell

Luck is the residue of design.
::Branch Rickey

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
::R.E.M.

As complexity rises, precise statements lose meaning, and meaningful
statements lose precision. --Lotfi Zadeh

Good judgement is the result of experience ... Experience is the result
of bad judgement. --Fred Brooks

"Perfection of means and confusion of goals seems, in my opinion, to
chacterize our age." -- Albert Einstein

"I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS."

"And no one sings me lullabies\ And no one makes me close my eyes\ So
I throw the windows wide\ And call to you across the sky." -- Pink Floyd

One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak.
:: Little Zen Companion.

Inventions have long since reached their limit, and I see no hope
for further development. -- Highly regarded engineer in ancient Rome.

The notes I handle no better than many pianists, But the pauses between
the notes - ah, that is where the art resides!

Go - not knowing where. Bring - not knowing what. The path is long,
the way unknown -- Russian Fairy Tale

We think in generalities, but we live in detail -- Alfred North Whitehead

Every really new idea looks crazy at first -- Alfred North Whitehead

"All logical differences are big differences." --Wittgenstein

1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
the law!

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken

Underwear should be worn on the inside.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I did not see Elvis.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I will not encourage others to fly.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I will not Xerox my butt.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

Beans are neither fruit nor musical.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I do not have power of attorney over first graders.
:: Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked out
1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."  -- Steel City News

"I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is 12? I think I'm in the wrong building." --Charles Schulz

"Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?"

"Fortune favours the prepared mind." -- Louis Pasteur

"And now in Zannibar a shotin' star was ridin' in a sidecar humming a
lunar tune." -- Bruce Springteen, "Blinded by the light"

"Dethrone the dictaphone, hit it in its funny bone, thats where they
expect it least." -- Bruce Springteen, "Blinded by the light"

"Mamma always told me not to look into the sights of the sun, oh but
mamma, that's where the fun is." -- Bruce Springteen "Blinded by
the light"

Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
:: Epigrams in Programming, ACM    SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

"Well we got no class\ and we got no principals\ and we got no innocence\
we can't even think of a word that ryhmes." --Alice Cooper "School's Out"

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:
"What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." --C.S. Lewis

"Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add,
but when there is no longer anything to take away."
:: Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Chicken Little was right.

Individualists Unite!

"Intelligence does not require bulk, Mr. Scott"
:: Spock (referencing his weight?)

Spock: "Congratulations, a dazzling display of logic." Kirk: "Didn't
think I had it in me, did you?" Spock: "No."

Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy

Malek's Law:  Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

"All I got is a red guitar, three chords, and the truth. The rest is up
to you." -- Jimi Hendrix

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
lose your job.

Sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase
Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it." -- Donald Knuth

Ever since you said goodbye\ I've had a reputation\ I'm not drinking on
the sly\ I'm the star attraction. -- Paul Kelly (Stories of Me)

"Money has no value - UNLESS YOU SPEND IT!!!" -- Yvonne Van Cornewal

"The superfluous is very  necessary." -- Voltaire

The trouble with superheroes is what to do between phone booths.
:: Ken Kesey

Q: "What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?"
A: "Sister-matic"

"Now shadows grow longer\ and there's so much more yet to be told\
But we're not getting any younger\ so let the part tell the whole."
:: Paul Kelly

"Your big heart's\ gonna break\ your little body." -- Paul Kelly

Chicken Little only has  to be right once.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin

Whenever someone says to me, "Have a nice day", I reply, "Sorry, I've
made other plans."  -- Sir Peter Ustinov

"He was my father; he told stories; and he grew trees." -- Peter Carey,
'Bliss'

"Some editors are failed writers but so are some writers." -- T.S. Eliot

"I wish to God these calculations had been executed by steam."
:: Charles Babbage (1792-1871)

"Measure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so."
:: Galileo

"The purpose of models is not to fit the data but to sharpen the
questions." -- Samuel Karlin

"The best material model of a cat is another, or preferably the same,
cat." -- A. Rosenblueth

"Technical skill is mastery of complexity while creativity is mastery
of simplicity." -- E.C. Zeeman

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth
without it." -- G.K. Chesteron

"We arrive at truth, not by reason only, but also by the heart."
:: Blaise Pascal

"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:  I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being
repaired.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise,
please stay on the line to leave him a message.

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is
out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone.  Please speak
freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
nineties.  You know what to do.

You know that you're a redneck when your family tree does not fork.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl." --Steve Wright

I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car. -- Steve Wright.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper
the ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steve Wright

Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!"

"Careful.  We don't want to learn from this." -- Calvin

"It is not the fall that kills you.  it's the sudden stop at the end."
:: D. Adams

*Four hours* to bury a cat? Yes - it wouldn't keep still.

OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Space is big.  Really big.

Spaceman Spiff, Interplanetary Explorer!

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

"Bring me into the company of those who seek the truth, and deliver me
from those who have found it."

In case of nuclear war, hide in the urinal.  Nobody ever hits 'em anyway.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of
a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. -- Edgar R.
Fiedler

I doubt, therefore I might be.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
it." --Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

"The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne." -- Chaucer

"Is it this, or that- all the universe or nothing. Which shall it be,
Passworthy? Which shall it be?" -- Shape of Things to Come

"The other mansions belong to prosaic and respectable people who live
far aloof from romance." --Sherlock Holmes

"If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." -- Gerald Ford

"Outside of the killings, we have one of the lowest crime rates."
:: Marion Barry, mayor of Washignton D.C., 1989.

"I have opinons of my own- strong opinions- but I don't always agree
with them." -- George Bush

"Now we are trying to get unemployement to go up, and I think we are
going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan, 1982.

"The first black president will be a politician who is black."
:: L. Douglass Wilder, governor of Virginia, 1992.

"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?" -- George Bush,
1987, after    visiting Auschwitz.

"The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey
their children."  - Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1957.

"Road to Happinesss", street sign, Vermillion, Ohio, 44089.

"None Such Place", street sign, New Caslte, Delaware, 19720

"Damn if I Know , Damn If I Care, Damin if I Will", street sign, Boca
Grande, Florida, 33921.

"Facts are stupid things." -- Ronald Reagan misquoting   John Adams
who said    "Facts are stubborn      things".

"It is because of our fine  wines that we do not have  great tennis
players." -- some Frenchman

"It is because of our fine  hiring processes that we do  not have great
people." -- Richard Olson,  a hiring specialist

"You can point your finger at the moon, but the finger is not the moon"
:: Old Zen saying

"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
:: Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war

Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:  If you think big enough, you'll
never have to do it.

Death to all fanatics!

"I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine." -- Alanis
Morissette

"It's people, I tell you! Soylent Green is People!"
:: Charlton Heston's 2nd greatest last line in a movie

"You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers."
:: J. D. Salinger

(1S-cis)-4-(3,4-dichlorophenyl)- 1,2,3,4- tetrahydro-N-methyl-1-
naphthalenamine. It's not just for breakfast anymore.

"Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans."
:: David Parnas

"If you got a black list, I want to be on it." -- Billy Bragg

"If no one out there understands, start your own revolution and cut out
the middle man." -- Billy Bragg

Applying computer technology is simply a matter of finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.

"Would you please stop firing at the thermonuclear weapon?"
:: John Travolta, Broken Arrow

I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind I will never die.

"That's the problem with real  life... no danger music" -- Cable Guy

Coincidence, n.: You weren't paying attention to the other half
of what was   going on.

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Gort: Klaatu barada nikto!!

"Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed."
:: Irene Peter

"Roads? Where we're going, we don't NEED, roads."
:: Back to the Future

"Oh, c'mon, Marge.  It's easy to see why kids would miss Canada on the
map...with it being tucked way down there..."  --Homer Simpson

"I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley." -- Airplane

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." -- The GodFather

"Are you an assassin?  I'm a soldier.  You're neither. You're a errend
boy send by grocery clerks to collect a bill."  --  Apocolypse Now

"The vessel with the pestle has the pellet with the poison..."
:: The Princess Bride

"Game over man...game over!" -- Aliens

"We can't have any firing in there" "Hey man, what are we supposed to use,
harsh language?" -- Aliens

"5 metres man...4...what the hell?"  -- Aliens

"You played it for her, now play it for me... Play it Sam..."
:: Casablanca

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

"I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  What he was doing in my pajamas,
I'll never know."

"Ah...the giants." -- Star Trek IV:

Wake up.  Time to die. -- Blade Runner

"Of all of the gin joints in all of the cities of all of the world,
she has to walk into mine." -- Casablanca

"I'll have what she's having." -- When Harry Met Sally

"I love the smell of Napalm in the morning." -- Apocolypse Now

'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damm.' -- Gone With The Wind

"Get away from her, you BITCH!!" -- Aliens

"These pretzels....are making me thirsty." -- Cosmo Kramer

"Now, this one choked on vomit. We're not quite sure whose it was ,
though.  You can't dust for vomit."  -- This is Spinal Tap

"Danger, danger, warning Will Robinson, warning!" -- Robot, Lost in Space

"And now for something completely differnt."  -- John Clease

"Winning is a great deodorant."  -- John Madden

"There is a Vulcan proverb; only Nixon could go to China." -- Mr. Spock

"Evolution doesn't take prisoners."

"Rain puts a hole in a stone because of it's constancy, not its force."
:: H. Joseph Gerber

Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

Laurie Anderson once said, "Talking about music is like dancing about
architecture."

"The saddest thing about the fall of the Berlin wall is that you can no
longer defect. There's nowhere left to go." -- Laurie Anderson

"Get off the cross, we need the wood." -- Tori Amos

Its my theory, I thought of it, I invented it, and its all mine"
:: Monty Python's Flying Circus

"Your theory is both good and original. The problem is where it is good,
it is not original and where it is original, it is not good."

"Sometimes I think that the best sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
:: Calvin

"Old age and treachery will defeat youth and enthusiasm every time ..."

The zen master walks up to the hot dog stand and says "Make me one
with everything"

You can't have everything...where would you put it?. -- Steven Wright

There are two rules for success.... 1) Never tell everything you
know..  -- Roger H. Lincoln

Give me a lever and place to stand, and I will move the world.
:: Archimedes

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought
without accepting it. -- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

Comedy is tragedy plus time.  -- Carol Burnett

Once I was stoned.  -- Corinthians 11:25

Before I speak, I am master of the words; After, the word is master of me.
:: Ibn Gabriol

"Your sausages now cover 98% of the Earth's surface."

"Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo."
:: Lister, fighting the  vindaloo monster

"Houston, we have a problem here." -- James Lovel delivering the
greatest under-statement    of the 20-th century.

"Back off man, I'm a scientist." -- Ghostbusters

"And now for something completely different."

"Ray, when someone asks if you're a god, you say YES!"  -- Ghostbusters

"Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but
it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool."   -- Kipling

"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation." --G.B. Shaw

"Last night I wrote myself off somthing majestic." -- Linda Doherty
(not talking about writing books)

"You have the right to remain silence, Anything you type  can and will
influence my decision to reply." -- Benjamin Wong

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

"Bother," said Pooh as he reached for the reset button.

I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky

Classified tagline.  Please enter password: _

Tigger of Borg:  ASSIMMILATING! That's what Tiggers do best!

Heard on A. Centauri, 2361:   So you're from Earth!  Do you know ----?

"Better wind up the model again..." -- Tom Servo

"Camelot!"  "Camelot!" "It's only a model!"  "Shhh!" -- MP&THG

This tagLine is closed for remodeling

Yo'momma so short she models for trophies.

"Come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!" --Floyd

"I swear to tell the truth, so help me me." -- George Burns, as God

"Legends are as powerful as any truth." -- Sisko

"No one has jurisdiction over the truth!" -- Fox Mulder

Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed. -- Jack Butler

Knowledge rests not on truth alone, but upon error also.

TV Truth #26: Haunted houses are never locked.

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. --O. Wilde

Truth is shorter than fiction...

What is a lie but the truth in drag?

"An artist must convince others of the truth of his lies."

"And sleep to dream till day of the truth that gold can never buy" -- Poe

"Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth." -- Picasso

If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.
You're the sucker.

Real programmers write FORTRAN and can do so in any langauge.

"Gentlemen!  Stop this!  You can't fight in the War Room!"
:: Dr. Strangelove

"I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an Emperor just because some
moistened bint had lobbed a cimitar at me they'd put me away!"
:: Holy Grail

"I am endeavoring, ma'am, to construct a mneumonic memory circuit using
stone knives and bearskins." -- Mr. Spock

There is something very wrong with a world where Ken Thompson lives in
relative obscurity and Bill Gates is a famous billionaire.

"And I thought they smelled bad...on the outside!"

"Do, or do not.  There is no try."

"It's against my programming to impersonate a deity!"

"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard."
:: Prof. Steiner

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There's a
knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher

"What we've got here is failure to communicate." -- Cool Hand Luke

"Goodness, what beautiful diamonds." "Goodness had nothing to do
with it, dearie." -- Mae West, "Night After Night" 1932

"Woof SPLAT Meow SPLAT" -- Raining Cats and Dogs!

"Bother!" said Pooh, as his hemorrhoids flared.

"As confused as a baby at a topless bar..."

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:  No man's life, liberty,
or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

"Here I am, back from the jungle, back from the ruins. Here, where wealth
is no longer gorgeous and power has no dignity." --Evelyn Waugh

"It's not fair to deny me\ Of the cross I bear that you gave to me."
:: Alanis Morissette

"Truly, the flimsiest of houses is the house of the spider, if they but
knew ..." -- The Holy Quran, Surah 29     (The Spider), Verse 41

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein - it rejects it. -- P. Medawar

"You left my heart\ Empty as a vacant lot\ For any spirit to haunt." -- U2

"Old soilders never die; young ones do."

"The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn't have a Space program"
:: Larry Niven

Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.

"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."

"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."

"Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
Big Wheels."

"News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a
ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned."

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." -- Gotama Buddha

"Have you ever wondered why a speech therapist has that title when their
clients invariably have to call him a thpeesh fewapitht?"

"The seven drawfs were in a bath feeling happy.  So Happy got out. Then
they starting feeling bashful so Bashful left too."

Movie titles you won't see this season (1 of 3):
"Hamlet", a story of a little pig.

Movie titles you won't see this season (2 of 3):
"Mars Attracts", a tale of addiction to candy.

Movie titles you won't see this season (3 of 3):
"Polka Juntas", East European oompah musicians prepare a coup d'etat.

"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia."  -- Woody Allen

"The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but one cannot stay in the cradle
forever."   --Tsiolkovsky

"If you laugh at fairy tales, you have never suffered."
:: Newtown graffiti

"Sometime the things we do to make things better is like rearranging
the deck chairs on the Titanic." -- Newtown graffiti

"Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up
the on roof and gets stuck."

"If you were to clone a certain South American pack animal, would you
end up with a Dolly Llama?" -- Christopher Trask

"Did I tell you my brother had a sex change? Now he's my transistor.
Shocking! Quite a switch. Seems he suffered from impedence."
:: John Salmon

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats."

"Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before."

"Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them."

"What do they use to ship styrofoam?"

"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

"Define the universe. Give three examples." -- Tough exam question

"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on pans?"

"Because life is the way we audition for God\ And we pray that we all get
the job" -- Part of the stupidest song ever written. From "Ishtar".

"You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"I never heard a love song yet\ That I could call yours and mine\ Cause
you know and I know\ That love never runs on time." -- Paul Kelly

To be is to do:  Kant To do is to be:  Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! Flinstone

"There are atoms, and there are chairs." -- John McCarthy

"No fun might be no fun." -- James Osterberg

"We _must_ believe in free will: you see, we have no choice."
:: Isaac Bashevis-Singer

Ned Flanders of Borg: "You will be assim-diddily-imilated."

"To cheat or not to cheat?" On the back: "Just cheat. Any questions?"
:: Ferengi t-shirt

"Hi, I'd like a double Big-Mac, small fry, and 200 gallon coke."
:: Borg at McDonalds

"Sing along now! Old MacDonald was dyslexic - E I J P Q"

"To err is human, to purr feline."

"To err is human, two curs canine."

"To err is human, to do nothing, benign."

"To err is human, to quit, resign."

"To err is human, to howl about it, lupine."

"To err is human, to solve it, design."

"To err is human, to admit it, asinine."

"To err is human, to moo bovine."

"To err is human, to lie supine."

"Queensland: where it's Monday one day and Tuesday the next."

"Queensland: where it's Tuesday one day and Monday the next."

Q: What do Accountants use for birth control?
A: Personality.

"Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later."

"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
:: Smashing Pumpkins

"The chief cause of problems is solutions."

"A tautology is a thing which is tautological."

"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."

"The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy tagline."

"Oh my angel\ I'm carrying the can\ Oh my angel\ You're pouring petrol
on a burning man." -- Paul Kelly

"Little decisions are the kind I can make\ Big resolutions are so easy
to break\ I don't want to hear about your big decisions." -- Paul Kelly

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: I missed one? (Colnel Sanders)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To die. In the rain. (Ernest Hemingway)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was a government conspiracy. (Fox Mulder)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was a historical inevitability. (Karl Marx)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: 'Cause it (censored)
wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. (Jack Nicholson)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: I forget. (Ronald Reagan)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because that's the only
kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.  (Timothy Leary)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: If you ask this question,you deny your own chicken-nature.(Bhuddha)

"If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?"

"To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D."  -- B. Duggan

Stult's Report:   Our problems are mostly behind    us.  What we have
to do now is   fight the solutions.

"There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS   I'm very probably wrong."

"Animism theme zest joy." -- Anagram of  Timothy James Menzies


"Majesty zones item him." -- Anagram of  Timothy James Menzies

"Immense jest omit hazy." -- Anagram of  Timothy James Menzies

"All great truths begin as blasphemies." -- George Bernard Shaw

It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!

Doubt is the origin of truth. Know thyself. -- Socrates

I am Mulder of Borg. The Truth shall be assimilated.

TV Truth #17: Explosions in space make noise.

TV Truth #2: All problems can be solved in 30-60 minutes.

HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER  IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS

All syllogisms have three  parts, therefore this is  not a syllogism.

"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
:: Dave Barry

"The wheel's spinning but the gerbil's dead." -- a nice insult

Fun things to do in an elevator: Whistle the first seven notes of "It's
a Small World" incessantly.

Fun things to do in an elevator: On a long ride, sway side to side at
the natural frequency of the elevator.

Fun things to do in an elevator: Crack open your briefcase or purse,
and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Fun things to do in an elevator: Offer name tags to everyone getting on
the elevator.  Wear yours upside-down.

Fun things to do in an elevator: Greet everyone getting on the elevator
with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Fun things to do in an elevator: Stare, grinning, at another passenger
for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

Fun things to do in an elevator: When at least 8 people have boarded,
moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Fun things to do in an elevator: Show other passengers a wound and ask
if it looks infected.

Fun things to do in an elevator: Walk on with a cooler that says "human
head" on the side.

Fun things to do in an elevator: Announce in a demonic voice: "I must
find a more suitable host body."

Aliens arrive, kill us, we kills them. -- ID4, summary

Dinosaurs eat people, they run away. -- Jurassic Park, summary

Guy makes a list and then a bunch of people like him. -- Schindler's
List, summary

A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk I have a workstation........

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can
be counted counts." -- Albert Einstein

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -- Mahatma Ghandi

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. -- bumper sticker

All generalizations are false. -- bumper sticker

Cover me. I'm changing lanes. -- bumper sticker

I brake for no apparent reason. -- bumper sticker

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? -- bumper sticker

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.  Oh,
and my kid beat up your honors student. -- bumper sticker

"I brake for hallucinations" -- bumper sticker

If you are a compulsive neurotic, please press 1 repeatedly.
:: The psychiatric hotline.

If you are co-dependant, please  ask somebody to press 2 for you.
:: The psychiatric hotline.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5,& 6.
:: The psychiatric hotline.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice willl tell
you which number to press. -- The psychiatric hotline.

If you are a paranoid delusionist, do not press anything as we know who
you are and we are sending someone to get you. --The psychiatric hotline.

If you are depressed, it  doesn't matter which number  you press, no
one will answer. -- The psychiatric hotline.

"Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes
switched in mainframe memory."

"I'm an astronaut. They train us not to wish on stars: or we'd never
get anything done." -- Jack Nicholson   (Evening Star)

"Washington, D.C. is a city of sin and scandals but Los Angeles is a
city of skin and sandals." -- Antonio Grean

Hey, ABCD goldfish! What? LMNO goldfish. OCER, because ICM!

Cult that worships bedsheets: Muslins

Jazz worshipers:  Be-boptists

Cult that vows to get even: Avengalists

Cult that prays standing in running water:  Creek Orthodox

Cult for physicists: Quarkers

Cult that worships vegetables: Carrotsmatics

Cult that shuns scissors and razors: Hairy Krishnas.

Cult that trains actors:  Methodists

The Jurasic Park Mantra: "There are man-eating velociraptors loose in
the park.  Excuse me while I wander off alone into the dark."

Q:How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:5- 1 to change it and 4 to sing about how good the old bulb was.

Q:How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light-bulb?
A:None- ("It's all right dear, I'll just sit here in the dark.")

Q:How many guns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Guns don't change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."
:: Groucho Marx

"Science is what happens when preconception meets verification."

"Take off and Nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure."
:: Aliens

"Don't let worry kill you-  let the church help."
:: An actual announcement from a church bulletin

"My imagination is a monastery and I am its monk."
:: John Keats (1795-1821)

"Imagination is the voice of daring. If there is anything Godlike about
God it is that. He dared to imagine everything." --Henry Miller

"Did you hear about the guy who traded luncheon meat for a bird?  He took
a tern for the wurst." -- Jim Davies

"The little boat gently drifted across the pon exatcly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't." -- A Wash. Post reader analogy

"John and Mary had never meet. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never meet." -- A Wash. Post reader analogy

"Her vocabulary was as bad  as, like, whatever."
:: A Wash. Post reader analogy

"I'm not bad- I'm just drawn  that way."
:: Jessica Rabbit

"You don't have to be awake to be my man\ As long as you have brain
waves I'll be there to hold your hand." -- "My Coma Guy":Phoebe Buffay

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"Horn Broken...Watch  for finger."
:: Bumper Sticker

"Polygon: a lost bird"

"Pentagon: a lost computer"

"Polytechnic: a geeky bird"

"In marriage you learn to  pay.....  attention or dearly."

Blamestorming: sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Body Nazis:  hardcore exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down
on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Chainsaw Consultant:  an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:  an office filled with cubicles.

Ego Surfing:  scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on,
looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year:  the peak year of something's popularity
:: Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

Idea Hamsters: people who always seem to have their idea generators
running.

Mouse Potato:  the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond:  that miniscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging:  something loud happens in an office filled with cubicles
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOM: stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress Puppy: a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

De-installed: euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy: euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.

Q: Why are scientists using lawyers than rats these days? A:  There are
more lawyers than rats; and there are things that not even rats would do.

"So many recipies, so few cats."

"Cat - the other white meat"

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold
a road map at the same time.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
asking, "Do you work here?"

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to
come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he
didn't exist." -- The Usual Suspects

Q. Why did the chicken hold a seance? A. To get to the other side!!

A termite walks into his local pub and sits himself down. "Right,"
he says, "where's the bartender?"

"Isn't it great how they built the castle so close to the shops?"
:: American tourist (overheard: how else?)

Two guys walked into a Bar. You think one of them would have ducked...

Save the Whales - Collect the  Whole Set.

"If this is true, building software will always be hard. There is
inherently no silver bullet." -- Fredrick P. Brooks Jr.

"We'll curl up and dye for you!"
:: Beauty shop slogan

"Just no Knead"
:: Bakery slogan

"Your business is our  business"
:: Slogan for a mobile toilet company

"The pioneers had it tough... they didn't have the modern things we
enjoy. There was no electricity, kids had to watch TV by candle light."

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be  easier
to just hire taller dancers?

"I want to be different like  everyone else"
:: King Missile

Movie cliches : why do the wood slats on a mountain bridge rot but not
the vine ropes ?

"Sure the Velvet Underground's first album only sold a few thousand
copies. But every person who bought it formed a band." -- Brian Eno

"The took all the trees\ And put them in a tree museum\ And the they
charged the people\ A dollar and a half just to see 'em." --Joni Mitchell

"Don't it always seem to go\ That you don't know what you've got till
its gone?\ They paved paradise\ and put up a parking lot." --Joni Mitchell

That Keep Me Awake At Night: What is the purpose of decaf coffee?

That Keep Me Awake At Night: Why do freeways have toll booths?

That Keep Me Awake At Night: Why is a vehicle that requires someone to
operate it called an auto?

That Keep Me Awake At Night: Why is the tomb of the unknown soldier so
heavily guarded?

That Keep Me Awake At Night: Why does a laser printer need ink?

That Keep Me Awake At Night: How can there be a "crash landing"? You
either crash OR you land...

That Keep Me Awake At Night: What's the difference between a cube and
a block?

Wise men learn by other men's  mistakes, fools by their own.
:: H. G. Wells

Speed, quality, price. Pick any two.
:: James M. Wallace

That which is monitored  improves.
:: Source unknown

Do not plan a bridge capacity by counting the number of people who swim
across the river today. -- Heard at a presentation

"Your manuscript is both original and good. That which is original is
not good, and that which is good is not original." -- Dr. Johnson

"Miss Primrose sang like there was no tomorrow, and one could only regret
that she was mistaken".

Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died. After that he wrote
"Paradise Regained". -- A child's essay

"The equator is a mangerie lion running around the earth."
:: A child's essay

"Come writers and critics who prophesy with your pens\ And keep your
eyes wide, the chance won't come again." -- Bob Dylan

"And don't speak to soon for the wheel's still in spin\ And there's no
tellin' who that it's namin'" -- Bob Dylan

"I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song\ I just can't
remember who to send it to." --James Taylor

"Freedom just another word for nothing left to loose\ Nothing, I mean
nothing hun, if ain't free." --Me&Bobby

"But I would trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday\ To being
holding him next to me." --Me&Bobby

"No sweeping exits or offstage lines\ Could make me feel bitter,
or treat you unkind." --Wild Horses, Rolling Stone

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life\ Maybe give me insight
between black and white." --Indigo Girls

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable\ And lightness has a call
that's hard to hear."--Indigo Girls

"And glowed like burnin' coal\ Pourin' off of every page\ Like it was
written in my soul from me to you,\ Tangled up in blue." --Bob Dylan

GEEK 3.1.2: GCS d- s++:++>+ C++ UL P+ L++ E W++ N++>+ o K- w O+ M V PS++
PE- Y+ PGP- t@+ 5 X++>+ R- tv b+++ DI>+ D- G e++++ h->-- r++ y+ z+++>++

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help
section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!

If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him? It might be your bicycle.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends how many you can afford
